(My bias is Winter only because we have the same hairstyle, lol. Short hair-blunt bangs-azn girls all day everyday, babyyyy.)
So if you know me personally, you know all throughout my life I've gone back and forth with keeping up with a blog. I even went as far as getting a whole different domain 5 years ago. Now you're probably wondering, "okay, well where is it then?" THANK YOU, I'M SO GLAD YOU ASKED. The short answer is simple: consistency is hard and imposter syndrome is a b*tch.
For YEARS, every time I felt like I found a rhythm with my voice, the nasty voices in my head that want me to fail would pop up and question my competence, expertise, and uniqueness. But as a dance and yoga instructor who preaches about honoring your spirit in whatever form it wants to show up in that day, I realized I wasn't taking my own advice. Big surprise, right? The person who gets paid to educate people on accepting their bodies and spirits was indeed not showing acceptance to their own body and spirit.
And this is why it can be so daunting and scary to achieve this next level. *Insert Aespa dance here*
For context, I'm teaching 5 days a week and I alternate from teaching kids dance classes, kids yoga classes, adult beginner dance classes, adult advanced dance classes, open level Kpop classes, and open level yogasana classes. Even just me typing that out felt tiring. If you're wondering how I'm doing it, well, I'm still figuring that out too.
I've been dancing for over 20 years and professionally dancing for about 7 and it wasn't until my 30s that I'm finally at a somewhat stable place where I'm full time making a living just sharing my movement practice. Now let's pause here (for me) and just acknowledge that that in itself a huge milestone. I'm the daughter of Filipino immigrants. My parents are separated and didn't have the money to send me to college so I took out a sh*t ton of loans that I will spend the rest of my life paying off (unless Mr. Biden wants to help us out... please.) To get to a place where people actually respect my craft enough to pay for it already feels like I've achieved the secret to adulthood. But alas... capitalism keeps you humble. And poor.
It's a strange feeling to experience. It's like I'm spiritually in this euphoria but physically in contentment. It's not a sinking or flying, but rather a gentle floating. I've never experienced this feeling before and I've come to realize this is why it feels uncomfortable. I've never gotten to this point in my life. I don't have a blueprint of what it looks like as it goes on. I'm creating it right now, which is both equally terrifying and exhilarating.
As overwhelmed at juggling this type of work makes me, this also truly excites me. I feel like I just unlocked this new level. Like I'm a level 80 Blastoise and I can kick everyone's ass just by doing one hydro pump. If you have no idea what that reference means, it just means I feel like I'm that b*tch. Blastoise is certainly that b*tch. Much love to the turtles.
People assume that just because I'm posting a lot on my social media means I'm probably doing great, but the reality is that this sh*t fluctuates ALL. THE. TIME. Anyone who does this kind of creative entrepreneurial work knows that when the flow is there, we flowin', baby! But when it slows down, we feel like we're sinking, baby! Sinking so much that it makes you look up part time jobs because you think that's the answer. Because it's FAMILIAR. You can't help but think, "well if I have this one part time admin assistant job that I only do in the mornings, I should be able to pay all my bills and work on my craft at night." Right? Well... everyone works differently but I can tell you with confidence that this isn't always the best option. Because what will most likely happen is you'll burn out. You'll wake up every morning in a panic, with not enough rest, on auto-pilot trying to remember which hat (both metaphorically and literally) you're putting on that day. Are you putting on your part time assistant hat? Are you putting on your yoga instructor hat? Are you putting on your I'm-just-a-regular-human-chilling-with-my-friends-today hat? If that felt personal, it's because it was. That was my life for about 3 years back in 2015. Trust me when I say, it DOESN'T feel good to be that burnt out. Don't let capitalism trick you into thinking that much exhaustion equals you doing good work. If you're that exhausted and still working, chances are your work probably sucks. But that's okay. There's still time to turn this ship around. There's always time to turn that ship around. Getting to this next level in your life, whether it be professionally or personally, means you're going to be uncomfortable with what comes next. Why? Because you're quite literally creating the blueprint for it. There is no other reference point to make. You ARE the reference point. So from one level 80 Blastoise Winter/Lisa doppleganger to another, settle into that discomfort. Find your way to stay present in this moment. It's a good moment to be in. You worked your ass off for this moment. No one can take that from you. You deserve to feel all the feelings this moment has to offer. And that, my friends, is how we go on that next level. Yeah. *Insert Aespa dance again*